“They probably hate me”
Untangling the Social Anxiety Spiral
By Lindsie Meek
It starts with a simple moment — an awkward pause, a weird text, a glance you weren't sure how to read. Suddenly, your brain is spinning: Did I say the wrong thing? Were they annoyed? Did I make it weird? They probably hate me.
This kind of overthinking is anxiety's specialty — your mind's well-intentioned attempt to protect you from social rejection. It scans for potential threats and fills in blank spaces with caution, all in service of keeping you safe from the pain of humiliation. And even though part of you knows you're probably overanalyzing, the spiral keeps going anyway.
So, what's actually happening here? Your brain is doing exactly what it evolved to do — keeping you connected to your social group, which throughout human history has been essential for survival. When we feel socially uncertain, our nervous system activates, and our thoughts follow predictable patterns. We start mind-reading ("they must think I'm annoying"), catastrophizing ("this friendship is ruined"), and assuming the worst without any real evidence. It's not a flaw. It's your brain working exactly as designed in an attempt to keep you safe from social pain or isolation.
The good news? These patterns can be untangled. With a little awareness, some self-compassion, and a few practical tools in your back pocket, you can learn to pause the spiral, reality-check those thoughts, and respond with more clarity and a sense of calm.
Practical Skills to Break the Spiral
When you feel that familiar tightness in your chest and the runaway thoughts beginning, here are a few skills to practice in the moment:
01. THE S.T.O.P. SKILL
When those anxious thoughts start racing, STOP is your pause button – a powerful skill developed by psychologist Dr. Marsha Linehan. As the creator of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), Linehan designed this technique specifically for moments when emotions threaten to overwhelm us:
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Example: When you notice thoughts like "They haven't responded to my message, they must be upset with me," mentally say "Stop" to yourself to create space between your initial thought and the automatic spiral.
S: Stop. Just pause. Notice that you're caught in a thought spiral. Recognize this familiar pattern.
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Example: Imagine yourself physically stepping back from your thoughts, like you're watching them on a movie screen instead of being inside the movie. Say to yourself, "I notice I'm having anxious thoughts about the slow response."
T: Take a step back. Create some mental distance. Step away from the spiral rather than getting pulled deeper into it.
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Example: Place a hand on your chest and simply observe any physical sensations: "My shoulders are tense, my breathing is shallow, and I keep thinking they're ignoring me on purpose." Just name what's there without trying to change it yet.
O: Observe. Notice what's happening in your body right now. Heart racing? Stomach tight? What thoughts are looping? No judging, just noticing.
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Example: Ask yourself, "What do I need right now?" Perhaps it's giving them more time to respond, distracting yourself with another activity, or reaching out to someone else for support rather than sending a worried follow-up message.
P: Proceed mindfully. Now choose what to do based on what's actually happening, not what your anxiety is telling you about the situation.
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02. Check The Facts
When your brain insists "they probably hate me," get curious first using this core DBT emotion regulation skill:
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What concrete evidence do I actually have for this thought?
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What facts suggest this interpretation might not be accurate?
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How reliable is my thinking right now? Am I in an anxious state that might be clouding my judgment?
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Example: When a colleague walks by without saying hello, before assuming they're upset with you, check the facts: Have they greeted you consistently before? Did they seem distracted or in a hurry? Have they said anything recently to indicate a problem?
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03. The 5-5-5 Grounding Exercise
When anxiety has you time-traveling into potential future disasters, activating your senses can bring you back to the present moment:
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See 5 things around you. Take note of their colors, shapes, and how light hits them.
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Feel 5 sensations outside of your body. Your feet pressing into the floor. The texture of your shirt. Air on your skin.
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Hear 5 sounds in your space. The hum of electronics. Traffic outside. Your own breathing.
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04. The "Would I Say This to a Friend?" Check
Your inner critic can be brutal in ways you'd never be to someone you care about. This self-compassion technique, highlighted in Dr. Kristin Neff’s research, helps you treat yourself with the same kindness you’d show others. When those harsh thoughts come, pause and ask: "Would I ever say this to my best friend?" If not, what would you say instead? Try offering that same kindness to yourself.
When you think, "I'm so awkward — everyone noticed I said the wrong thing”, ask yourself if you'd say that to a friend who made the same small conversational mistake. You'd likely say something like, "I doubt anyone even noticed, and even if they did, everyone misspeaks sometimes. It doesn't define who you are." Try directing that same compassionate response toward yourself
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When you think, "I'm so awkward — everyone noticed I said the wrong thing”, ask yourself if you'd say that to a friend who made the same small conversational mistake. You'd likely say something like, "I doubt anyone even noticed, and even if they did, everyone misspeaks sometimes. It doesn't define who you are." Try directing that same compassionate response toward yourself.
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05. “Name It to Tame It”
Based on the term coined by Dr. Daniel Siegel, there's power in simple naming. Instead of being swept away by "they're judging me," try saying: "I notice I'm having the thought that they're judging me" or “the narrative that I am telling myself is they are judging me”. This tiny shift creates breathing room between you and the anxious thought — it's just a thought passing through, not the whole truth of who you are.
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Example: If you find yourself obsessing, "I ruined that presentation completely," try saying, "My mind is telling me the story that I ruined the presentation." Notice how this creates distance between you and the thought, making it feel less overwhelming and absolute.
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06. Give The Most Generous Assumption
When anxiety interprets situations in the most threatening way possible, deliberately choose the most generous interpretation instead. As researcher Brené Brown explains, generosity means extending "the most generous interpretation possible to the intentions, words, and actions of others" (Brown, 2015). This practice isn't about naive optimism — it's about recognizing that our anxious minds often automatically jump to the least generous interpretation, when there are usually many other explanations that are equally or more likely. By deliberately considering alternative, more generous possibilities, you balance your perspective.
The key to success is making this a consistent practice. Each time you catch yourself assuming the worst, pause and ask: "What would be the most generous way to interpret this situation?" Over time, your brain gets better at generating these alternatives automatically.
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Example: If someone seems distracted during your conversation, rather than assuming "They're bored by me," try "They might have something stressful happening that has nothing to do with me." If a text goes unanswered, instead of "They're ignoring me," consider "Their phone might be on silent" or "They're probably busy and will respond when they can."
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Cultivating Long-Term Resilience
These in-the-moment techniques work best when paired with ongoing practices that strengthen your anxiety-management muscles:
Daily mindfulness moments: Even just 5 minutes of noticing your breath helps you catch spirals earlier. It's like training your brain to recognize when it's being hijacked.
Self-compassion rituals: Maybe it's a hand on your heart when you're stressed, or phrases you repeat when anxiety hits. Small reminders that you deserve kindness, especially when things feel hard.
Gradual exposure: Avoiding feared situations feels safer but actually feeds anxiety. Gently wading into mild discomfort (with support) teaches your nervous system you can handle more than you think.
Professional support: A therapist skilled in CBT, DBT, or ACT can be like a personal trainer for your mind, helping you build customized skills for your specific thought patterns.
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Remember, untangling these thought spirals isn't about “fixing” yourself—it's about recognizing when your brain's protective wiring is working overtime, and gently guiding yourself back to solid ground.
The next time you catch yourself in the "they probably hate me" spiral, try one of these techniques. With practice, you'll start recognizing these thoughts for what they are — just thoughts, not facts about you or the world. And gradually, those spirals will become less frequent, less intense, and easier to navigate.
REFEReNCES
Brown, B. (2015). Rising strong: The reckoning. The rumble. The revolution. Spiegel & Grau.
Davis, M., Eshelman, E. R., & McKay, M. (2019). The relaxation and stress reduction workbook (7th ed.). New Harbinger Publications.
Linehan, M. M. (2014). DBT Skills training manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Neff, K. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. William Morrow.
Siegel, D. J. (2010). Mindsight: The new science of personal transformation. Bantam Books.
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